Sunday, 31 January 2010

I think therefore

I think therefore i get muddled up . This morning im raging with inspiration and im in the wrong place . Husbands asleep , kids are playing up and i have a migraine . I NEED to be in someplace isolated and majestic , or remote , or high , or just plain peaceful . i need space and good vistas . I need that high that i get . today i realised fully , like a smack in the face just how much depression has taken from me and its not just a little , its a lot , its ten years that have left me ten years behind what i want to do   . when i was a child i had to draw , had to be alone , had to record and collect and hear words in my head  , i created always and was firmly rooted in my surroundings but i didnt know why . Turns out it was because im an artist , thats why . now im afloat again . what sort of an artist am i . why am i not serious about what i do . Ive been told i have the talent and the inspiration so why do i hide . Fear . fear is the answer , depression driven fear and stupidly its a fear of being successful . im scared of it . i know how to be broke , i know how to be mummie , some days ,  i know how to be wife . what i dont know is this wild thing iside me that wants to get out . i aknowledge it , i enjoy it but it tortures me , i should be more , i should do more .  I have to take this out into the light , look at it , give it a good shake and decide .  I can either be mummie all the time or i can really be an artist .
I CAN do it .  Having depression dosnt prevent me , it just makes it a whole lot harder but on the other hand , it adds an extra element . I can see it as a gift that makes me appreciate things more . The reason for sharing this is whith depression it always feel like you struggle alone . So im sharing . I feel this . so if anyone else feels this , you are not alone :-)))

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