work at last

Proof i actually did something today :-)  fuzzy feet on my snow leopard .

A bit of leg

Balcony end of January

break time i was in this chair 20 seconds after the photo , coffee was lovely

Husband making drainage holes

My best friend :-)

Overwintered Geranium

repotted plants

Spring fresh green

I think therefore

I think therefore i get muddled up . This morning im raging with inspiration and im in the wrong place . Husbands asleep , kids are playing up and i have a migraine . I NEED to be in someplace isolated and majestic , or remote , or high , or just plain peaceful . i need space and good vistas . I need that high that i get . today i realised fully , like a smack in the face just how much depression has taken from me and its not just a little , its a lot , its ten years that have left me ten years behind what i want to do   . when i was a child i had to draw , had to be alone , had to record and collect and hear words in my head  , i created always and was firmly rooted in my surroundings but i didnt know why . Turns out it was because im an artist , thats why . now im afloat again . what sort of an artist am i . why am i not serious about what i do . Ive been told i have the talent and the inspiration so why do i hide . Fear . fear is the answer , depression driven fear and stupidly its a fear of being successful . im scared of it . i know how to be broke , i know how to be mummie , some days ,  i know how to be wife . what i dont know is this wild thing iside me that wants to get out . i aknowledge it , i enjoy it but it tortures me , i should be more , i should do more .  I have to take this out into the light , look at it , give it a good shake and decide .  I can either be mummie all the time or i can really be an artist .
I CAN do it .  Having depression dosnt prevent me , it just makes it a whole lot harder but on the other hand , it adds an extra element . I can see it as a gift that makes me appreciate things more . The reason for sharing this is whith depression it always feel like you struggle alone . So im sharing . I feel this . so if anyone else feels this , you are not alone :-)))

Alpine thoughts

Some places in the world it gets wilder the further you go , in the Alps it gets wilder the higher you go . Towering above the trappings of civilization the high alpine world  gradually strips itself of mans influence  shedding trees , roads , people  . plantlife untill whats left is the bare essence of high altitude environments , the rocks , the snow and ice , the weird unexpected formations and all pervading , the weather that rules over all . Some animals cling to life here , some plants cling to the sharp slopes and huddle in massive cravasses shelted from scouring winds , hail , lightning , ice , snow . One moments blackout , the next lit by rainbows from below its a world unknown from above its excatly that , a world above  , elevated senses and thoughts in elevated heights .
There is access its tue  , to some areas of the Alps , lots in fact but it only takes a little effort to escape that to true wildness  , to be alone and to soak it up and just feel . I talk to much .

Painting day

Last night i got inspired to paint ,thanks Clive , so today i defrosted the studio , fortified myself with caffiene and went to paint . I gave myself eye strain dehydration and possible frostbite but im getting the Leopards legs on albiet slowly . at least this time my paint is not frozen . This seriously happened a few weeks back .  The mouth looks wonky , the colours look wrong and its mostly naked and looks motheaten but this wont last ! this is how messy my work looks when its creating itself .  I know when a picture starts to work when i walk by it and say hello cat but it isnt at that stage yet . Maybe when i have got its leg onto the next layer it might be . I didnt want to stop . The reason the cat looks more brown than grey is because im working from two references of the same cat on the same day , one is brown , one is grey , im working to what i know is the correct colouration . Wait and see :-) This is a female Snow Leopard  she is looking towards the male which was way off left when i watched them .

A few other photos from today The 30 seconds of sunshine

Snow clouds behind the trees . After dark there was a sprinkling of snow on my balcony :-)

Life is small pleasures

Today . we had two minutes of sunshine again , here it is

Today was accounting day . OOOPS i am shocked and horrified at my overspend . I know why i do it , its because on depressed days i just NEED a polyanthus or a book or a new set of plates , (actually i did because i dropped all the old ones on my foot and smashed them ) and i got them half price but the truth is i just cant aford these things . i have enough if i dont buy anything . The food bill , OOOOOOOPS ! way to much . I have to learn something from my grandmother now and all those kitchen gardeners that look so happy shelling peas on their doorsteps . THRIFT !

Spend nothing . It is now a game . My dad gave me books , i have seeds , pots and mud . I am therefore rich , I have everything i need and most of what i want so the game is now to shop as cheaply as possible and this means my gardening is no longer a hobby or a place to sit and be pleased or a good way to get fresh and organic veg , its now a way to feed my family , a necessity as it used to be .  I need to think harder about how i was going to organise things and plant mostly what we EAT not what i want to give a go , though if ive got the seeds and the space those will sneak in too :-))

todays dinner , before it went into the oven , a strange looking lasagne because this is the pie dish that i have :-))

It came out all golden and bubbly and we scraped it clean it was lovely . I served it with a salad of tomatoes onions mozarella and basil with a swirl of olive oil and seasoning . I grated a carrot for the kids and they eat it ! lol  , we had some grapes , we had some more grated cheese and some bread . dinner . I have found if i ask kids do they want grated carrot they would look at me in horror . if i just put a bowl on the table hands sneak in :-) ok my meals are strange mixes but i cant afford to shop yes so we use what we have as we should do and its fine :-) l

Wishing the sun would shine and the third eyebrow .

Well , the sun did shine , for 30 minutes the last two days , i really needed it  but we have bad weather on the way in again , and its freezing . No joke i had the heating on all day and i was wearing my coat indoors . Me that doesnt feel the cold .  
I woke up this morning unwilling to move but i managed it with the thought of a hot coffee and in one hour it would all be over ( the school run ) .   My son saw me said hello mum and i realised he had a third eyebrow . Not a good start . it was deep purple  , he slept on a felt tip and no , it didnt come off . Then my daughter said mum i cant move my neck it really hurts and i felt so low and drained i called for help . Mum came and gave us a much needed  lift to school my daughter would have been in too much pain walking 20 minutes in minus 6 degrees c with a stiff neck .  I had coffee at mums and walked back past the aAbbey on the hilll in the sun , it hurt to breathe but i enjoyed the walk :-) 

I planned gardening , so i went out , fed the birds more seeds , bought in a planter full of soil and happily dug my trowel in , ortried to , Frozen solid .  I thawed it out in front of the radiator :-)

I planted it up with some Polyanthus i bought and i love the finished look . This was an old trug i had for collecting garden produce but it went a bit rusty so i recycled it into a planter .

Another great discovery this week , some Hyacinths that i can grow on and enjoy the scent from , i chose white ones  , and these are the plants i planted up in the trug ..

Please note the sunshine !

This fruit came from the local market , we got there just as he was closing down and we got it super cheap ! i let the kids loose on it they are now stained with cherry juice :-)

On the baby news , we now have four baby Platies and a LOT of new baby Guppies , to many to count ,. they are all in the same breeding trap now which is bigger than the other one and they have a constant flow of bubbles to airate and cool the water because they are trapped under the light and they may overheat . The sides of the trap are perforated to allow the water flow in . If you enklarge this image you can just make out small grey brown babies in there with the orange ones . there are about 20 you cant see :-)

This also happened , the Golden nugget Plec is just above the Snowball Plec and this is danger ! amazingly they didnt fight . so close ...

 Ive been finding things hard . Im so sleepy and i hurt , everywhere hurts . the doc tells me its stress and he has upped my tablets for depression again . Ill take them and see . but im so tired...... and im having intense dreams  , side effecs i know , and the joint pain . Still , im willing to suffer a lot to get better , and i am . Im still healthy eating , tonight we had chorizio sausages which twizzled the kids tongues up :-)) spring greens , new potatoes and baked butternut squash that my smallest girl and i loved .   Im keeping it up and im determined to enjoy my life to the full  . Im really feeling the lack of sun . soon , hopefully soon it will come back .

No sun

There is no sun no sun no sun in England for DAYS and DAYS more to go . i have S A D and this is major bad .  I need sunlight or i will wither away :-) . Mornings are hard . That first hour depression hits and its a struggle to remember the rest of the day will not be like this . Whats hard in the morning will be easy in the afternoon but oh boy im stressed .   A lot of the point of this blog is to give myself a reason . A reason to get up , a reason to do things , a reason to enjoy and it works too . At night instead of nasty images in my mind i see herbs . VAST improvement .  I do things so i can take a photo and upload . I had plenty of purpose before with painting and writing and photography but i found i needed something new and different to grab my attention and blogs got me . I loved them , so much feel good shared by other people gives me a massive boost . :-)

Two more soon to be mummies :-)

I cooked , it helps , i feel productive and nurturing feeding my family good stuff .

My husband weighed the potatoes and didnt realise he made a potato man .

Shepherds pie filling

The final article , it was yummy . Comfort food .

At the end of the day before the night terrors set in i can remember i have so much to be greatful for and no reason to be depressed . Im a positive person and i will get better . I have to give myself time , look after myself and capture every moment . I have to remember that in the morning . :-)