morning

Its getting harder . The side effects are getting worse . I feel anxious , stressed and im in pain . pain in my chest , pain under my arm , pain in my ankle , all my joints , my head , i dont know if its stress causing the pain , tablets (its a listed side effect ) or something else or a mix of all three . Im sick of painkillers . Im sick of jaw pain from grinding my teeth and im so dizzy that if i stand up im in danger of colaspe . \The kids are here and husband is asleep in bed  , since my son has ADHD and super intelligence and my youngest a piercing repetitive voice im exhausted . and trying not to be low . I plan to bake bread today when i can stand . ive never done it before so ive no idea how this will turn out but hey , thats the fun of it . and maybe plant some chilli and sweet pepper seeds and maybe put the mini greenhouse outside where it needs to live . First i need to be able to stand up and thats proving difficult .  Im determined to persevere with these tablets and to recount how it feels to get better from depression on here as a documentary for others  , both professional and people like me . who are struggling through it . I WILL get better . I will get my life back and im determined to get every drop of happiness i can from life while im doing it . I want to paint . I Will get myself on the wildlife art circuit one day , I will get an agent , i will achieve what i want to achieve . i WILL get my books published and grow my own fruit and veg on the balcony and in the garden and cook healthy and bring up my kids . If i can keep the house tidy thats an added bonus . What i also need to do though is tell myself no stress . If i have a good day good , if i dont , ce la vie .  Its ok . Im not superwoman and im never going to be   , dont want to be , i just want to be healthy , happy and laid back and no longer in so much pain . Thats all . What so many people take for granted is something i dream of . 
Im also dreaming of Switzerland next year . I hope so much i can go . I need mountains like i need air sometimes . I need to be an artist for a while and feel free  , to sketch and just to enjoy .  Thats a year away and my balcony needs to be my joy untill then . It ever hurts my arms to type . And these pills are supposed to make me better ? well , they have in one respect , im not so scared . not terrified of some dark cloud over me everyday . Not overwhelmed by the thought of all i have to do , thats a big improvement .